I am just playing at work, nothing too exciting going on at the moment, though I am almost done with my exit portfolio, I am super excited about that. Also, the computers guys in the 501 building called and said my computer was fixed already which is pretty sweet considering I just took it in on Monday and the guy on the phone said it was going to probably be a week before it was done. I am going to pick it up before I head over to Teetz's tonight to watch SVU. As I said before, I miss the quality time with my buds, because a lot of the time right now the people I see most are ones who (with the exception of Drake of course), when I leave Nebraska, I would not be broken hearted if I never see them again. Some people I will miss, but there are acquaintances and there are friends. I will miss my friends dearly, but acquaintances are just that, and have remained only that, for a reason.
Teetz is going to Seattle on Thursday because he is looking at the University of Washington for grad school. I figured I might as well keep y'all updated with his life here since he never updates his blog ever. LAME! But that's why we love him. I am confident he will make the right decision and attend North Carolina State University. Okay, let me rephrase that: I am confident he will make the BEST choice and attend NCSU. This is best because, while it is not Duke University (that would be the sweetest thing ever and I would visit him all the time) it is also not the University of North Carolina, which would be the worst decision he ever made in his life - the worst anyway aside from his brief foray into the world of friendships with girls who have FUPAs. That was definitely bad, but it was also bad on my part so what can you do?
I am really into the lame blog quizzes right now that occupy my time and take me away from portfolio. I can't remember where I found this one personality test, but it pretty much is me completely, except for a few things here and there. The things I don't think are true I put in italics and bolded, just so we could laugh at them. But wow, this thing was pretty on with most stuff.
"You are forever an attention seeker. Sometimes you say things just for the shock-value and it can get you into trouble, but given your don't-give-a-fuck attitude, it doesn't bother you much at all. You don't like to waste time and you hate when others are late, though you yourself are often running a little behind schedule. But you also believe you are worth waiting for, so others should not mind. Your closest friends do not mind though because they know you and love you in spite of your faults. You are very logical and do not jump to conclusions quickly. You like to see all sides of an issue before making any final decisions. However, you are quick to anger, especially with those you love. You hold them to a higher standard because you chose them out of many, so you believe they are more worthy than others. This sometimes makes you seem full of yourself and while that can be true, it sometimes come down to the matter of trust. You rarely, if ever, give anyone your complete trust - even those you have given your heart to. While you feel you are doing this out of caution for any past wrongs that may have been committed against you, loved ones often feel it is an attempt to sabotage a relationship for whatever reason, whether the action is done sub-consciously or blatantly. This can drive people away, so be careful. Some also perceive you as being devoid of emotion at inappropriate times - such as sappy movies clearly written so as to make the audience weep, hearing stories about the less-fortunate/under-privileged/homeless, or during arguments with loved ones. It sometimes makes you appear cold-hearted, which is not always a wrong assumption. You write people off instantly if you don't feel they measure up and you rarely give second chances because you do not feel most people deserve them, or they would not have wronged you or someone you care about in the first place. This can be good in some cases, but other times you might be missing out on a great friendship or relationship that might have been. However, given that you are prone to being stubborn, often just to prove a point even though you know you are wrong, you will not take the previous advice offered. Additionally, you will never actually admit you are wrong even when you know you are, again, just to prove your point. You are sometimes too independent for your own good and people can perceive you as being stand-offish. You much prefer a quiet night at home, if that is your option verses going out on the town. You don't feel that getting completely hammered and sweating it all off on the dance floor is a good way to spend time or money. And when it comes to that almighty dollar, you hang on to every penny you get so as to always have some for an emergency. You are not frivolous and not one for long days of shopping. You earned your money and want to spend it on something that will last a lifetime, not for twenty minutes. It annoys you to see others wasting it so ridiculously and sometimes you would like to tell them how careless they are being."
Interesting, isn't it? Some of the stuff I don't feel is me, but I didn't want to italicize/bold it because it then talked about how others might feel in that situation and I obviously can't speak for my friends. It is true, especially the stuff about not giving people second chances. I just don't believe most people deserve it. If you fucked up the first time why would I let you fuck up a second time. Now I know there is going to be a chorus of people saying here, "But Sarah, you let Adam fuck up a second time AND a third time." Yes, I did, but then I learned from it and realized I was tired of the bullshit, thus WHY I BROKE UP WITH HIM! In some cases second chances might be warranted, but in most, why bother? If people don't care enough to make good impressions the first time, then they are not worth my time. I usually have a purpose for making an impression the way I do - yes, there have been times when I have purposely made a bad first impression because I didn't think the person was worth my time and in nine cases out of ten I have been right. The whole section on money threw me off, I spend like crazy and it is horrible that I have such a bad habit. When I get pissed I buy myself something and it makes me feel better until I am out of money again, but that hasn't happened in a long time where I have needed something physical like new clothes or DVDs to pull me out of a bad mood.
Days til graduation: 16
Days til I get to leave this shithole apartment: 148
Showing posts with label Self-Discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Discovery. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Playing Instead of Working
But that's to be expected. I haven't had a single thing to do all semester, so it is hard for me to get in a mode to write a resume or philosophy of teaching or whatever. So I did the next logical thing: took random quizzes on-line. I took this personality disorder one at quizfarm.com and apparently I qualify as having a paranoid personality disorder.
You scored as Paranoid.
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Paranoid: 95%
Antisocial: 85%
Histronic: 80%
Narcissistic: 70%
Borderline: 60%
Avoidant: 60%
Obsessive-Compulsive: 50%
Dependent: 30%
Schizotypal.: 20%
Schizoid: 20%
Hmmm. I am surprised the 'dependent' is so low, because Teetz always tells me I am needy. I am not needy of most people though, usually I am just needy of him, so I guess that makes sense with the way the questions were worded. I am definitely narcissistic, that I am not going to deny, I am just wondering about this 'paranoid' thing. The questions that I probably scored high on were the ones about not trusting people and not having a lot of close relationships because that part is true. I have a ton of acquaintances and a lot of friends, but not a whole lot of close friends and it really does take a lot for me to trust people - thanks Adam. But cheap shots aside, he really did do a number on my trust ability, and I think with the way the questions were presented, that probably is why I scored so high in that category. Speaking of Adam, can you believe it has only been two years since I have known him now? With all that shit that went down, and that ridiculous roller coaster ride, it feels like a lifetime, and I think as a result of it I feel old, like too much happened in a short period of time. Ugh.
On a much happier note, in a previous post I talked about how I felt certain friends and I were growing apart and I was upset to see this happen because of the close friends I do have, I do not want to lose them ever. Lucky for me, we have recently been able to spend more time together again and I am glad for that.
I love Target. I also love Garnier Fructis shampoo and conditioner. Last night at Target Teetz and I stood in the shampoo aisle for ages and just took in the beautiful aroma that is Fructis. It was glorious. We haven't done that for a while - in fact the last time we did was the first time I started using Fructis. We each bought some and then hurried back to Pound because we decided we had to try it right away. Then we watched SVU and it was also glorious.
And speaking of SVU, I love the show but I fear every episode is the one that Elliot will get kicked off/killed off and I am dreading that day. I am glad last night's episode was focused on him, though I saw him cry which was new for me. *Sigh* I love Tuesday nights.
I wish people would do what they say they're going to do, when they say they're going to do it. If you don't plan on following through with whatever you say, why waste your breath saying you'll do it in the first place?
You scored as Paranoid.
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Paranoid: 95%
Antisocial: 85%
Histronic: 80%
Narcissistic: 70%
Borderline: 60%
Avoidant: 60%
Obsessive-Compulsive: 50%
Dependent: 30%
Schizotypal.: 20%
Schizoid: 20%
Hmmm. I am surprised the 'dependent' is so low, because Teetz always tells me I am needy. I am not needy of most people though, usually I am just needy of him, so I guess that makes sense with the way the questions were worded. I am definitely narcissistic, that I am not going to deny, I am just wondering about this 'paranoid' thing. The questions that I probably scored high on were the ones about not trusting people and not having a lot of close relationships because that part is true. I have a ton of acquaintances and a lot of friends, but not a whole lot of close friends and it really does take a lot for me to trust people - thanks Adam. But cheap shots aside, he really did do a number on my trust ability, and I think with the way the questions were presented, that probably is why I scored so high in that category. Speaking of Adam, can you believe it has only been two years since I have known him now? With all that shit that went down, and that ridiculous roller coaster ride, it feels like a lifetime, and I think as a result of it I feel old, like too much happened in a short period of time. Ugh.
On a much happier note, in a previous post I talked about how I felt certain friends and I were growing apart and I was upset to see this happen because of the close friends I do have, I do not want to lose them ever. Lucky for me, we have recently been able to spend more time together again and I am glad for that.
I love Target. I also love Garnier Fructis shampoo and conditioner. Last night at Target Teetz and I stood in the shampoo aisle for ages and just took in the beautiful aroma that is Fructis. It was glorious. We haven't done that for a while - in fact the last time we did was the first time I started using Fructis. We each bought some and then hurried back to Pound because we decided we had to try it right away. Then we watched SVU and it was also glorious.
And speaking of SVU, I love the show but I fear every episode is the one that Elliot will get kicked off/killed off and I am dreading that day. I am glad last night's episode was focused on him, though I saw him cry which was new for me. *Sigh* I love Tuesday nights.
I wish people would do what they say they're going to do, when they say they're going to do it. If you don't plan on following through with whatever you say, why waste your breath saying you'll do it in the first place?
Sunday, October 02, 2005
My Future Career
***Drake's computer = No spellchecker for this girl***
I decided I want to be a personal shopper. Okay, we all know I will never give up teaching because it is one of the greatest professions (after being a mom of course) in the world, but seriously, maybe it is just Lincoln, but some people are in great need of having someone help them with their clothing choices. Especially the wannabes who are forty-something and try to dress like they are twenty-something. Also, there are many twenty-somethings who need help too. Like, if you have a fat stomach, or something my roommate Brett calls a FUPA, then you should not wear a tight shirt because then everyone can see your fat stomach, or your FUPA. That shit is gross.
Recently Drake brought it to my attention that I am pretty apathetic. I don't mean about certain things, but about life in general. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. There are very few things I truly get worked up about:
1. Duke basketball
2. My family
3. Stupid two-faced backstabbing lying bitches who try to fuck over either me or a friend
That's about it. Otherwise, not much can really make me emotional. Except I did almost cry when I said Wendall was sleeping on his rock and Drake said he was probably dead. He was joking of course, but I would definitely be sad if Wendall died, because I really like my turtle a whole lot.
Even with things like death, I am fairly unemotional, at least when it comes to my own. See, I really like to sleep a lot and Drake and I somehow got on the subject of death and dying and I was like, "Hey, bring it on" because I guess to me death is just one long nap that no one can wake me up from. I really love sleep, I think it my most favorite thing in the world, aside from Duke basketball. Drake doesn't like having to wake me up ever, and in the times he does have to perform such a horrible task, he actually has to wake me roughly 20-30 minutes before we actually have to leave. I am really not coherent in that time of just waking up. Prime example: I woke up from a nap around 7:45 or so. We went to Taco Bell because I hadn't had dinner, right around 8. I was still in my just-waking-up mode so much so that, at a place where I have ordered food a million times before, I ended up ordering the #3 which is three supreme tacos. Gross. (I don't like tomatoes or sour cream). I always order the 3 regular hard shell tacos, but was not awake enough for food at that point apparently. It made me sad when I finally did fully wake up and realized I wasted money on crappy tacos I didn't even want to eat.
Teetz and I have a lot of SVU catching up to do. We didn't watch the premier or last week's episode, so we are planning to watch this week's after I get off work from the testing center. Then we're going to try to watch the premier, and maybe Wednesday we can watch last week's. If not, then next Tuesday we will catch the new one and the second week's as well. I know it seems like a lot of silly planning, but this is me and Teetz's thing. We have watched SVU for ages, and we can't interrupt it now completely, we just took a little hiatus. Plus, we're both super busy.
Speaking of Teetz, we all went out on Friday and this time Teetz thought he was ready to do a fish bowl on his own. We went to Duffy's first because we both knew neither of us would have money left if we went to Sandy's first. We each got a Sex on the Beach, but I drank mine myself, he had help. We can try again in a month or so and see if he is ready then.
Days Until "Friends: The One With All 10 Seasons" Comes Out On DVD: 43!!!!!!!!!!
I decided I want to be a personal shopper. Okay, we all know I will never give up teaching because it is one of the greatest professions (after being a mom of course) in the world, but seriously, maybe it is just Lincoln, but some people are in great need of having someone help them with their clothing choices. Especially the wannabes who are forty-something and try to dress like they are twenty-something. Also, there are many twenty-somethings who need help too. Like, if you have a fat stomach, or something my roommate Brett calls a FUPA, then you should not wear a tight shirt because then everyone can see your fat stomach, or your FUPA. That shit is gross.
Recently Drake brought it to my attention that I am pretty apathetic. I don't mean about certain things, but about life in general. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. There are very few things I truly get worked up about:
1. Duke basketball
2. My family
3. Stupid two-faced backstabbing lying bitches who try to fuck over either me or a friend
That's about it. Otherwise, not much can really make me emotional. Except I did almost cry when I said Wendall was sleeping on his rock and Drake said he was probably dead. He was joking of course, but I would definitely be sad if Wendall died, because I really like my turtle a whole lot.
Even with things like death, I am fairly unemotional, at least when it comes to my own. See, I really like to sleep a lot and Drake and I somehow got on the subject of death and dying and I was like, "Hey, bring it on" because I guess to me death is just one long nap that no one can wake me up from. I really love sleep, I think it my most favorite thing in the world, aside from Duke basketball. Drake doesn't like having to wake me up ever, and in the times he does have to perform such a horrible task, he actually has to wake me roughly 20-30 minutes before we actually have to leave. I am really not coherent in that time of just waking up. Prime example: I woke up from a nap around 7:45 or so. We went to Taco Bell because I hadn't had dinner, right around 8. I was still in my just-waking-up mode so much so that, at a place where I have ordered food a million times before, I ended up ordering the #3 which is three supreme tacos. Gross. (I don't like tomatoes or sour cream). I always order the 3 regular hard shell tacos, but was not awake enough for food at that point apparently. It made me sad when I finally did fully wake up and realized I wasted money on crappy tacos I didn't even want to eat.
Teetz and I have a lot of SVU catching up to do. We didn't watch the premier or last week's episode, so we are planning to watch this week's after I get off work from the testing center. Then we're going to try to watch the premier, and maybe Wednesday we can watch last week's. If not, then next Tuesday we will catch the new one and the second week's as well. I know it seems like a lot of silly planning, but this is me and Teetz's thing. We have watched SVU for ages, and we can't interrupt it now completely, we just took a little hiatus. Plus, we're both super busy.
Speaking of Teetz, we all went out on Friday and this time Teetz thought he was ready to do a fish bowl on his own. We went to Duffy's first because we both knew neither of us would have money left if we went to Sandy's first. We each got a Sex on the Beach, but I drank mine myself, he had help. We can try again in a month or so and see if he is ready then.
Days Until "Friends: The One With All 10 Seasons" Comes Out On DVD: 43!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Addictions Can Be Fun
I have recently come to the conclusion I am addicted to several things, not all of which are good for me, and really 'addiction' has such negative connotations anyway because you should never be addicted to anything. Even stuff that is generally considered healthy because let's face it, too much of a good thing can sometimes be bad too. So I thought for a long time about this and have decided my addictions fall into two categories: material/physical (these have to go together) and emotional.
Material/Physical:
1. shopping
2. alcohol (sort of)
3. sex (only when I have a boyfriend, I am not a total nympho, thank you very much)
Emotional
1. sadness
2. drama (again, sort of)
Okay, the shopping is pretty self-explanatory, I love to shop and probably will go broke long before I ever even graduate which, as most of you know, is happening in about six months. While I may in fact go bankrupt, at least I will look good doing so. That is, until they take away all my pretty clothes and shoes and purses and the loads of new underwear I bought at Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale. God I love Victoria's Secret. This isn't necessarily unhealthy, just not really a good idea.
Alcohol - Okay, I have touched on this one before. I am not addicted in the classical sense where I must have a drink with me at all times. I am addicted in terms of, once I go out to the bars I can not stop drinking until I am hammered or my money is gone, which usually happen about the same time. This one is very unhealthy, of which I am quite aware. However, it is very difficult to stop, so I should probably stay away from the bars for a while. We all know this probably will not happen though.
Sex - I am not really going to get into this one with ya'll. I think it is just safe to say that of all my addictions, this one is the healthiest because of the frequency and the fact that it is great exercise when you're being lazy like me and you don't want to go running.
Sadness - For some reason, I have brief times where I just bawl my eyes out the whole day. There's no real reason in particular, and a good cry is actually healthy for you as long as it does not go on for days and days at a time. Sometimes there is just a point where even the most social of butterflies (like me) needs to be alone and just have a good long cry. I always feel better afterward and am, strangely enough, usually happier for it. I think some of that has to do with the fact that very few people aside from my supremely close friends ever see me cry (unless I have just gotten into an argument with Teetz on "O" Street, then everyone sees me cry). I have to let it out at some point and I would rather people not see me cry because crying is weak and weak people do not survive.
Drama - Again, not in the classical sense. I think more than drama, this is just the fact that I can be pretty brutally honest with people sometimes (usually accompanied by alcohol) and I am not about to hold anything back. Unfortunately, some people don't like this and they get upset, thus drama is created. I should have phrased this better, because I do not actually like drama in my life, though it is kind of funny when it is happening with other people. Especially if it is something I said to them when I think they need some honesty in their lives.
I don't think my addictions are collectively all that healthy and I need to work on them. Now is probably the time to do it, since I know I am not the best person I can be. I do a lot of stupid things and while I don't regret anything I have ever done, I don't ever want to, either. I have a feeling one or more of these might eventually lead to me regretting something, so I need to start changing some things before I get myself into trouble.
Days til Gavin and Howie: 9!!!!!!
Material/Physical:
1. shopping
2. alcohol (sort of)
3. sex (only when I have a boyfriend, I am not a total nympho, thank you very much)
Emotional
1. sadness
2. drama (again, sort of)
Okay, the shopping is pretty self-explanatory, I love to shop and probably will go broke long before I ever even graduate which, as most of you know, is happening in about six months. While I may in fact go bankrupt, at least I will look good doing so. That is, until they take away all my pretty clothes and shoes and purses and the loads of new underwear I bought at Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale. God I love Victoria's Secret. This isn't necessarily unhealthy, just not really a good idea.
Alcohol - Okay, I have touched on this one before. I am not addicted in the classical sense where I must have a drink with me at all times. I am addicted in terms of, once I go out to the bars I can not stop drinking until I am hammered or my money is gone, which usually happen about the same time. This one is very unhealthy, of which I am quite aware. However, it is very difficult to stop, so I should probably stay away from the bars for a while. We all know this probably will not happen though.
Sex - I am not really going to get into this one with ya'll. I think it is just safe to say that of all my addictions, this one is the healthiest because of the frequency and the fact that it is great exercise when you're being lazy like me and you don't want to go running.
Sadness - For some reason, I have brief times where I just bawl my eyes out the whole day. There's no real reason in particular, and a good cry is actually healthy for you as long as it does not go on for days and days at a time. Sometimes there is just a point where even the most social of butterflies (like me) needs to be alone and just have a good long cry. I always feel better afterward and am, strangely enough, usually happier for it. I think some of that has to do with the fact that very few people aside from my supremely close friends ever see me cry (unless I have just gotten into an argument with Teetz on "O" Street, then everyone sees me cry). I have to let it out at some point and I would rather people not see me cry because crying is weak and weak people do not survive.
Drama - Again, not in the classical sense. I think more than drama, this is just the fact that I can be pretty brutally honest with people sometimes (usually accompanied by alcohol) and I am not about to hold anything back. Unfortunately, some people don't like this and they get upset, thus drama is created. I should have phrased this better, because I do not actually like drama in my life, though it is kind of funny when it is happening with other people. Especially if it is something I said to them when I think they need some honesty in their lives.
I don't think my addictions are collectively all that healthy and I need to work on them. Now is probably the time to do it, since I know I am not the best person I can be. I do a lot of stupid things and while I don't regret anything I have ever done, I don't ever want to, either. I have a feeling one or more of these might eventually lead to me regretting something, so I need to start changing some things before I get myself into trouble.
Days til Gavin and Howie: 9!!!!!!
Monday, July 04, 2005
I'm Never Going to Get Out of Here
I don't mean forever, I just mean in terms of finally meeting Drake's family in Illinois. I've met his family here and I absolutely adore them. His aunt and uncle are so amazing and I love his cousins, they are the most adorable girls I have ever met. Drake is at home right now though, with them as well as the rest of his family, for the 4th. I was supposed to go with, they were even going to wait until Sunday night to leave because I worked, but I ended up having to work today too so I didn't get to go and it makes me sad because all his friends are home too and he really wants me to meet everyone. He's also going home again in a couple weeks for his friend's birthday, but it is the same weekend as the Gavin DeGraw and Howie Day concert and we already have tickets, not to mention I was so excited about this concert I almost peed my pants and crashed my car at the same time. In fact, I still might pee my pants, I am that excited about it. I know I will get to meet Drake's family eventually which is cool, but I am not notoriously patient and he really wants me too as well. It just feels like things keep happening to prevent me from being able to go and it's almost like I'm just not supposed to meet them. It's weird. And stupid, I want to go hang out in Illinois.
Speaking of Illinois, Roxy's wedding is on the 29th of October in Chicago and I am super excited. Not pee-my-pants excited, but still excited. I have never been a bride's maid before. Once I was the flower girl in my aunt Tammy's wedding, I think I was two or three. I do not have a memory of this but the story has been told to me so many times I feel like it is mine: I was walking down the aisle with Brian's nephew Brandon and I was upset about something (imagine me, upset, even at age two). They must have told him to hold my hand but I was refusing and every time he'd try I'd pull away from him. I was getting mad and not really sprinkling the flowers like they told me to, but I was throwing handfuls in big clumps every few feet. I didn't even make it to the alter, I just threw down the empty basket and went and sat by my grandma, so Brandon went and pouted too and did the same. I wish I remembered it as my own memory and not a retelling, or that it had been on video because I would love to see it now. I am also super excited about Chicago because of Louis Vuitton and I am hoping I will have enough time to run over there and see if I can find something special for myself. God, how I love Louis Vuitton.
I am supposed to be at Jake's right now but I have a headache and really would not be a lot of fun. Teetz isn't happy with me because of this, but I just am not feeling social right now. I am in one of my funks where I need to be left alone and I love him to death, but I just wish he would understand that sometimes I just need to be by myself and I wish he wouldn't get mad at me for it. I know it is the 4th and all and yay for fireworks, but it's not the same as at home and I don't really want to be around people right now.
I have not spoken to Adam since he left Mississippi for Iraq and while I was not expecting to quite yet, every day the news freaks me out with more bombings and all that shit. I know it shouldn't and I should not let it get to me, but I can't help it. Someone I love very much is over there right now in the middle of all of this bullshit and my greatest fear in the world is that I will never see him again. I know I should not think like that, but how can I not? This is Adam we're talking about, and everyone who knows the score understands what that means.
I am still supremely excited about Gavin and Howie. Teetz and I were checking out the websites last night and there are some cool t-shirts and shit, but you can't be that guy who wears the t-shirt of the band he is seeing. Teetz will probably be that guy. I am so excited. I have decided while Howie is better looking than Gavin, I am more into Gavin's music. Howie has some great stuff and we know "Collide" will probably remain one of my all-time favorite songs, but some of Howie's other stuff sounds the same and it kind of gets old after a while. I guess the music itself does not get old because he is very talented, but I just tire of it more easily than I do Gavin. The only song of Gavin's I can not get behind is "Chemical Party". Otherwise, they all kick some ass. "Just Friends" will always be a favorite, though it still hits a little close to home with the me-Adam-Alexis situation. And "Belief" is such a great song too, and "Overrated" too. I love them all I think, and "Nice to Meet You (Anyway)" is also fun. I am so excited! I also decided that while Gavin DeGraw can not be my baby's daddy, he is allowed to serenade my baby, which will be just as important. Howie, on the other hand, may possibly be my baby's daddy.
Speaking of my baby's daddy, Teetz told his brother I have a boyfriend now. Chaz asked if I still wanted to have sex with him, and Teetz didn't quite know how to put it that yes, Chaz is on my 'exceptions' list. And speaking of exceptions, Drake and Brian say that Chaz can't be on my list because it is likely I will meet him someday and exceptions are supposed to be unlikely people (that's also why I am supposed to take Jesse Boyer off my list). I think it's bunk to take them off, and I also think Teetz's brother is afraid of me. The rest of my exceptions list is as follows if you are curious:
1. Teetz's brother
2. Jesse Boyer
3. JJ Redick
4. Christopher Meloni
5. Vin Diesel
There are a few others that may have to sit aside as replacements just in case, but that's the top 5. Drake won't even give me 10, and we all know I need ten. Ah well.
I have decided I really need to take a break from drinking. I know when people read this they're either not going to believe me, or even wonder why, and Friday is a prime example. Not the part where I made that girl cry, that was fine, but the part about me starting and just not being able to stop. When I am downtown at a bar, I really don't know how to just socially drink. If I am at a house party it is different and I don't know why. Plus, when I do drink that much, I really think I am invincible, thus the walking out into traffic, not even in the crosswalk at least. I am by no means an alcoholic or anything, if I was I would have a beer or six right now, I just think I need to cut back a little bit to really prove to myself that I can. Not to mention I am going to gain weight like crazy if I keep drinking at this pace and we all know how i feel about weight gain and my fear of that. Maybe we don't all know, but in that case if you don't, then it is none of your business anyway and not something you need to concern yourself with.
I would rather sign off on a happier note than my disgust with fat and food, so I will leave the lyrics to a favorite Gavin song for you to ponder:
"Belief"
Speaking of Illinois, Roxy's wedding is on the 29th of October in Chicago and I am super excited. Not pee-my-pants excited, but still excited. I have never been a bride's maid before. Once I was the flower girl in my aunt Tammy's wedding, I think I was two or three. I do not have a memory of this but the story has been told to me so many times I feel like it is mine: I was walking down the aisle with Brian's nephew Brandon and I was upset about something (imagine me, upset, even at age two). They must have told him to hold my hand but I was refusing and every time he'd try I'd pull away from him. I was getting mad and not really sprinkling the flowers like they told me to, but I was throwing handfuls in big clumps every few feet. I didn't even make it to the alter, I just threw down the empty basket and went and sat by my grandma, so Brandon went and pouted too and did the same. I wish I remembered it as my own memory and not a retelling, or that it had been on video because I would love to see it now. I am also super excited about Chicago because of Louis Vuitton and I am hoping I will have enough time to run over there and see if I can find something special for myself. God, how I love Louis Vuitton.
I am supposed to be at Jake's right now but I have a headache and really would not be a lot of fun. Teetz isn't happy with me because of this, but I just am not feeling social right now. I am in one of my funks where I need to be left alone and I love him to death, but I just wish he would understand that sometimes I just need to be by myself and I wish he wouldn't get mad at me for it. I know it is the 4th and all and yay for fireworks, but it's not the same as at home and I don't really want to be around people right now.
I have not spoken to Adam since he left Mississippi for Iraq and while I was not expecting to quite yet, every day the news freaks me out with more bombings and all that shit. I know it shouldn't and I should not let it get to me, but I can't help it. Someone I love very much is over there right now in the middle of all of this bullshit and my greatest fear in the world is that I will never see him again. I know I should not think like that, but how can I not? This is Adam we're talking about, and everyone who knows the score understands what that means.
I am still supremely excited about Gavin and Howie. Teetz and I were checking out the websites last night and there are some cool t-shirts and shit, but you can't be that guy who wears the t-shirt of the band he is seeing. Teetz will probably be that guy. I am so excited. I have decided while Howie is better looking than Gavin, I am more into Gavin's music. Howie has some great stuff and we know "Collide" will probably remain one of my all-time favorite songs, but some of Howie's other stuff sounds the same and it kind of gets old after a while. I guess the music itself does not get old because he is very talented, but I just tire of it more easily than I do Gavin. The only song of Gavin's I can not get behind is "Chemical Party". Otherwise, they all kick some ass. "Just Friends" will always be a favorite, though it still hits a little close to home with the me-Adam-Alexis situation. And "Belief" is such a great song too, and "Overrated" too. I love them all I think, and "Nice to Meet You (Anyway)" is also fun. I am so excited! I also decided that while Gavin DeGraw can not be my baby's daddy, he is allowed to serenade my baby, which will be just as important. Howie, on the other hand, may possibly be my baby's daddy.
Speaking of my baby's daddy, Teetz told his brother I have a boyfriend now. Chaz asked if I still wanted to have sex with him, and Teetz didn't quite know how to put it that yes, Chaz is on my 'exceptions' list. And speaking of exceptions, Drake and Brian say that Chaz can't be on my list because it is likely I will meet him someday and exceptions are supposed to be unlikely people (that's also why I am supposed to take Jesse Boyer off my list). I think it's bunk to take them off, and I also think Teetz's brother is afraid of me. The rest of my exceptions list is as follows if you are curious:
1. Teetz's brother
2. Jesse Boyer
3. JJ Redick
4. Christopher Meloni
5. Vin Diesel
There are a few others that may have to sit aside as replacements just in case, but that's the top 5. Drake won't even give me 10, and we all know I need ten. Ah well.
I have decided I really need to take a break from drinking. I know when people read this they're either not going to believe me, or even wonder why, and Friday is a prime example. Not the part where I made that girl cry, that was fine, but the part about me starting and just not being able to stop. When I am downtown at a bar, I really don't know how to just socially drink. If I am at a house party it is different and I don't know why. Plus, when I do drink that much, I really think I am invincible, thus the walking out into traffic, not even in the crosswalk at least. I am by no means an alcoholic or anything, if I was I would have a beer or six right now, I just think I need to cut back a little bit to really prove to myself that I can. Not to mention I am going to gain weight like crazy if I keep drinking at this pace and we all know how i feel about weight gain and my fear of that. Maybe we don't all know, but in that case if you don't, then it is none of your business anyway and not something you need to concern yourself with.
I would rather sign off on a happier note than my disgust with fat and food, so I will leave the lyrics to a favorite Gavin song for you to ponder:
"Belief"
Belief
Makes things real
Makes things feel
Feel alright
Belief
Makes things true
Things like you
You and I
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Belief
Builds from scratch
Doesn't need to relax
It doesn't need space
Long live the queen and I'll be the king
In the collar of grace
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Belief
I'm going to yell it from the rooftops
I'll wear a sign on my chest
That's the least I can do
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
Tonight, you arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
Oh, you stood by me
And I'll stand by my
Belief
Days til Gavin and Howie: 11!!!!!!!
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Belligerent Again
So I think I might have a problem. Not with alcohol, with anger. Of course the drinking doesn't help, but you know, whatever. Last night we all went to Sandy's again and it progressed rapidly to the point where yes, I was ready to fight a bitch, just like last week. I'm not sure what my deal is, because usually I am not an angry drunk, it's just that when I get provoked, I am ready to fight that much faster than usual. Some girl was bitching about me when I left the table, saying she was tired of competing with me for the attention of a couple of our friends. My bad, I didn't know we were competing, I thought everyone was just drinking and having fun. But she tried to come talk to me about it later and I was dropping f-bombs like crazy because that's just how I am, especially when I'm drinking, it wasn't anything specifically aimed at her, I just swear a lot. She was like, "we have a problem, blah blah blah" and I was like, "Well, 3 different people told me you said this...." And she denied so I did call her a fucking liar. That I will own up to. But then she got all upset after a few minutes and walked away from the table and I guess she was upset for like, half an hour. I can't stand liars. At least own up to shit that you say and do, otherwise people won't ever trust you. That's also part of my problem - the censor is disabled when I am drinking and I will say exactly what I am thinking at that moment, especially if I am pissed off, as was the case last night. Oh well, what can you do, some people just can't handle the truth.
After we left Sandy's we went to Jimmy John's again like last weekend, and more arguing ensued, maybe not arguing so much as yelling and me storming off across the street to the gyro place. Apparently I just walked right out into traffic and Teetz and Jake thought I was going to get hit by a car. Drake followed me at least, but that's another problem I have sometimes - thinking I am invincible. It's impaired judgment, I know, but sometimes, especially when I am that pissed off, I feel like nothing can touch me and nothing can hurt me, and that kind of scares me. When Drake and I went back to JJs, there was a guy being taken away on a stretcher and he had a neckbrace on. That freaked me out too, because I don't ever want to get to that point. The scariest part was, once they put him in the ambulance, they didn't even turn on the sirens. I don't know what that means, but I don't ever want to be at the point where they're taking me away like that.
The night wasn't a bust at all, by any means. There are parts of it I wish I could change - except for when Teetz totally kissed me right on the lips in Jimmy John's, I wouldn't trade that for the world ;) - but we had a lot of fun, we drank a lot and we hung out. I think it's probably a good thing Teetz is going to be gone next weekend though, because it will give me a break (except he won't get one because he's going to be with his family and I know his siblings are going to take him to the bars. I just hope he comes back in one piece.
Days til Gavin and Howie: 13!!!
After we left Sandy's we went to Jimmy John's again like last weekend, and more arguing ensued, maybe not arguing so much as yelling and me storming off across the street to the gyro place. Apparently I just walked right out into traffic and Teetz and Jake thought I was going to get hit by a car. Drake followed me at least, but that's another problem I have sometimes - thinking I am invincible. It's impaired judgment, I know, but sometimes, especially when I am that pissed off, I feel like nothing can touch me and nothing can hurt me, and that kind of scares me. When Drake and I went back to JJs, there was a guy being taken away on a stretcher and he had a neckbrace on. That freaked me out too, because I don't ever want to get to that point. The scariest part was, once they put him in the ambulance, they didn't even turn on the sirens. I don't know what that means, but I don't ever want to be at the point where they're taking me away like that.
The night wasn't a bust at all, by any means. There are parts of it I wish I could change - except for when Teetz totally kissed me right on the lips in Jimmy John's, I wouldn't trade that for the world ;) - but we had a lot of fun, we drank a lot and we hung out. I think it's probably a good thing Teetz is going to be gone next weekend though, because it will give me a break (except he won't get one because he's going to be with his family and I know his siblings are going to take him to the bars. I just hope he comes back in one piece.
Days til Gavin and Howie: 13!!!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Bite Me, I'm Selfish
You ever do something you know you shouldn't because it would hurt and/or upset a fair number of people, but you do it anyway because in that moment it just feels perfect and good and wonderful? Yeah, I do. A lot. It doesn't mean I am a bad person, it just means I am a selfish person. It could be worse though, which I think people really need to keep in mind: I could be an knife-wielding psycho killer in a Halloween mask.
Speaking of being selfish, I have had so many people tell me in the last week that I should cut my hair and give it to Locks of Love. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a great program, but um, hello, I obviously like long hair or I wouldn't have kept it this way for such a large amount of time. Also, why would I go through all the trouble of trying to grow my hair for someone else? Maybe I am mean, maybe I am cold-hearted, but so be it. I am not a little hair factory for someone else, I like my hair just fine and it is staying where it belongs: ON MY HEAD. The next time someone tells me I should donate my hair to Locks of Love I am going to tell them to donate their body to science. Immediately.
Speaking of being selfish, I have had so many people tell me in the last week that I should cut my hair and give it to Locks of Love. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a great program, but um, hello, I obviously like long hair or I wouldn't have kept it this way for such a large amount of time. Also, why would I go through all the trouble of trying to grow my hair for someone else? Maybe I am mean, maybe I am cold-hearted, but so be it. I am not a little hair factory for someone else, I like my hair just fine and it is staying where it belongs: ON MY HEAD. The next time someone tells me I should donate my hair to Locks of Love I am going to tell them to donate their body to science. Immediately.
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